Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
