so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
