can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
