I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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