I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
