Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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