im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
