So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
