just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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