so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
