i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
