I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
