OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
