Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
