i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
