yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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