She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter