i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
