Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
