So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
