omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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