I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
