Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
