Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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