youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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