This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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