I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
