Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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