No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
