just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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