I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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