he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Randomize
