I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
