Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.