That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..