you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
