I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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