I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE