our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.