your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas