i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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