He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
