I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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