This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
