did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We talked him into tasing himself.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
