Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize