We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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