I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
