Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
