I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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