My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
