He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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