I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There's always time for handjobs
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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