i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
