I wish they made helmets for livers.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
