I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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