Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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