My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
