yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
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Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
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