Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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