It's like God shit irony all over that family
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
