Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
