I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just pee around me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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