If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
