Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
