so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
