the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
